Buddhism and the Stage of Dread

“I had an absolute interest in everything I was learning and I was an eager student. But I’d say I was definitely at a stage of sheer dread over future boredom. Yes, I wanted peace of mind. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to learn from the masters. I wanted to be a master of my self. But did I want to let go of desire? Of excitement? Of passion? Of going after something with the entirety of my being? Of ecstasy? Also, to not care anymore. I knew my capacity to care too much had always caused me to be unnecessarily hurt and exposed. But did I want to risk all feeling I had already invested in the world around me? I worked hard for these feelings. And all of the above were qualities I had always considered myself to be positively built in with. They were assets. If not for how I care for my family and friends and my adventurous spirit and enthusiasm for life, what kind of mould should I turn into? I don’t want to be a total dud in the world.”